This is kind of hard for me to write.
Um, really hard for me to write.
After my trip to Canada, I was so excited to be blogging again. However, a personal issue has made the past four weeks rather difficult. Dealing with it made me not want to blog, and at its worst point, it made me want to avoid life.
Warning: This post may be triggering for some with past/current issues with an E.D. If talking about eating disorders is a trigger for you, please use your discretion.
This past March, my friend told me she has been having issues with purging. She told me she was tired of being this way, aware this is an addiction, and in want of help. I told her therapy was the best option, if not the only way to truly get better. She said she didn’t want to go to therapy, so I would suggest other things to her. Everything. And she shot them all down. All of them. Toward the end of the semester, she told me she has gotten better control of her purging, but she fears she has begun to compensate in other ways, like restricting her intake.
When we both came home from our respective universities, it became apparent how much she malnourished she has become. She was so thin, it was heartbreaking to be around her. And yet, being one of my best friends, I was around her. And lo and behold, I found out that being around someone with an eating disorder is a trigger.
However, I found out that this trigger has led me to behaviors I have not experienced before: avoiding exercise and overeating. This two behaviors are really difficult to admit. I was purposefully lethargic, ignoring my hunger cues, and living in fear. Recently, however, I told my friend that I was struggling and she’s been a big help to me. For the past two weeks, she has been my exercise buddy, and I’ve been frequenting the yoga studio again. The eating has been harder to reign control of, so I met with my old therapist this week to talk about it. Basically, she told me when I next feel the impulse to overeat or eat when I’m not hungry to immediately right down everything that comes to mind, and I had some major breakthroughs. I realized that I have kind of blurred the line between my friend and myself. If I can’t get her to go to therapy, I think I have sort of taken up the role of being in recovery, which isn’t my place. On the bright side, it explains a lot of my behavior. I also know that I have a fear of starving, and again, having blurred the line between her and me, I am overeating because I am so scared that I will become starved, because that is what she is doing to herself.
Anyway, I want to start blogging again, and for a while, I will be using it to keep myself accountable of my behaviors. I know that going through this journey will make me stronger. Even though I have been struggling, today is a new day, and I am ready for it.